January 23, 2015

  • BREAKING NEWS: NRA SHUTS DOWN PERMANENTLY AFTER BRYANT GUMBEL HURTS ITS FEELINGS

    By Ed Kaz

    Amalgamated Press

    FAIRFAX VA: Upon hearing the terribly hurtful comments issued by television personality Bryant Gumbel, a tearful Wayne LaPierre announced today he will be shutting down the NRA for good.

    Gumbel, in an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, said the NRA is a curse upon the American landscape. “There are a few things I hate more than the NRA," said Gumbel. "I mean truly. I think they’re pigs,"

    "We've been called a lot of things," said LaPierre, barely holding back a sob at a morning press conference, "But pigs?" That hurts. That's enough. I'm calling on all our members to turn in their cards, t-shirts, jackets, bumper stickers, mugs, and AK-47s. It's over."

    When asked about his plans for the future, LaPierre said he will return to his first love: Potpourri arranging. "It's so much more peaceful," said LaPierre about the fragrant hobby, "and totes less controversial."

    "With potpourri, everyone is a good guy," an emotionally overwrought LaPierre was heard to say off-mic as he ran screaming from the room.

December 6, 2014

  • TOP TEN WAITING ROOM MAGAZINES by Ed Kaz

    Last week. There I was.  Sitting in the gastroenterologist’s waiting room anxiously waiting to find out just how big my newly-discovered gallstones were.   They weren’t calling me right away so I figured I’d pass the time by gandering at their magazine selection.  On the top of the pile was“Cancer Today.”  What’s the perfect casual read for any nervous patient waiting for his or her results?  Why, “Cancer Today” of course.  But in all fairness, this was a pretty good issue: “The World’s Sexiest Endocrinologist.”

    When I finally put down “Cancer Today”  it suddenly dawned on me:  If they can have a fine periodical like that in the waiting room, then why not these?

    From the home office at the Mayo Clinic...

    TOP TEN MAGAZINES THAT SHOULD BE FOUND IN THE  GASTROENTEROLOGIST’S WAITING ROOM:

    10: US News and Lab Report

    9. Martha Stewart Dying

    8. PUSS Weekly

    7. Better Rest Homes and Gardens

    6. Newsweak

    5. Seventeen (Days to Live)

    4. Car and Tumor

    3. National Laparoscopic

    2. Field and Urine Stream

    AND THE NUMBER ONE MAGAZINE THAT SHOULD BE FOUND IN THE GASTROENTEROLOGIST’S WAITING ROOM IS:

    1. Bleeder’s Digest

     

    ---- Ed Kaz

    CANCER TODAY

October 1, 2014

  • JOHN TWERSKY, INTERNET PIONEER passes away

    JOHN TWERSKY, INTERNET PIONEER

    OBIT: John Twersky, Internet pioneer, has died. The Chester Vermont native held the distinction of being first person in history to post a snotty mean-spirited comment on someone's YouTube clip. When news of Twersky's passing was first revealed, tribute comments flooded in ranging from "dickweed" to "clueless a-hole" to "GOOD."

July 24, 2014

  • Thank Someone for Thursday!

    Thursday is the best day because it's all about the anticipation of Friday.

    By Friday you're all anticipated-out and beginning to think about what you're going to do on Saturday which becomes very stressful.

    Saturday you try to sleep in but are abruptly awoken at 6AM by the garbage truck, the kid playing basketball in the street, or the guy with the leaf blower (in JULY? Where are the leaves in July?)

    Sunday morning you're filled with weary disappointment because you didn't accomplish anything on Saturday (or you accomplished too much and spent time in custody).

    Sunday evening you're worrying about Monday.

    And Monday, well, you know Monday.

    So, like I said, Thursday is the best day.
    Enjoy it while it's here.
    Thank you.

     

    ----------------- Ed Kaz

October 11, 2013

  • NATIONAL SAUSAGE PIZZA DAY FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

    1. I eat pizza a night. Am I still allowed to celebrate?
    2. Will the current government shutdown affect our national sausage supply? I worry about Chinese sausage.
    3. If they have a parade, will electric scooters with heavy duty shocks be provided for us?
    4. I'm under 26. Can I continue to receive sausage pizza under my parent's plan?
    5. Can calories I accumulate from this holiday carry over to National Pancake Day?

September 18, 2013

  • NEW ITEM NOW AVAILABLE IN THE NRA GIFT SHOP:

    For that special someone in your life who loves to hide behind the Second Amendment: It's the new Bulletproof Bill of Rights! Hide behind it while having spirited discussions with stupid liberals AND hide behind it while you're out in the woods shootin' up trees and chipmunks!

    Defend your right to bear arms while luxuriating in comfy breathable Kevlar® ballistic fabric.

    First 5,000 orders will receive their Bulletproof Bill of Rights with specially drilled holes! Please specify barrel size of your firearm when you order. God Bless America.

    ----- Ed Kaz

August 22, 2013

  • BREAKING: AUTOMOTIVE INDUSTRY TO REINVENT WHEEL

    Dearborn, MI (Amalgamated Press) The Ford Motor Company announced today it will eliminate the steering wheel on all future models beginning in 2015. 

    The steering wheel--in use for over one hundred years--will be replaced by a mouse.  "Just click in the direction you want to go, and you'll go there," said CEO Alan Mulally.  

    Ford is reportedly also working on a "right click" braking system as well as downloadable horn tones.  "An angry honk will now be replaced by a pleasant Miley Cyrus tune," explained Mulally, adding "We believe this will significantly cut down on the amount of road rage on our nation's highways."  

    Mulally offered no comment after a reporter mentioned a Miley Cyrus horn tone would probably increase highway road rage.

                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

August 9, 2013

  • BREAKING: Stray Asteroid seen by no one...

    NEW YORK:  A stray asteroid that nearly crashed in Times Square before suddenly veering back up into space this morning was not seen by anyone because they were all staring at their smartphones.

    Non eye-witness Nicole Massey reported hearing something but didn't look because "someone probably got a shot of it on an iPhone or something."

    Upon learing that not one single person on the planet took a picture of the asteroid because they were buried in their phones, Massey said, "There's a sale at H&M."

      ------- Ed Kaz

July 24, 2013

  • BREAKING: WEINER JOKES REACH TEN MILLION MARK TODAY

    NEW YORK: Ralphie Espinosa of Far Rockaway told the ten millionth Anthony Weiner joke this afternoon at approximately 3:42 Eastern Time.  The joke, "What does he do when he goes to Nathan's? Order himself?" admittedly not really that funny, still qualified as a joke according to officials. 

    Federal law prohibits a person from telling jokes about public figures after the ten million mark.  Violators of "Dolly's Law" face stiff penalties. 

    When asked to comment on his milestone Espinosa said, "Stiff penalty?  I bet he..." before being tased by a nearby police officer.

                                                               --------- Ed Kaz

  • SWAMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE by Ed Kaz!

    ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:

    LAST SWAMP MAN WITHOUT SWAMP SHOW NOW HAS ONE.

    A representative for Wesley Bramblatt of Hockhockson Swamp in Monmouth County NJ, has confirmed that Bramblatt, a swamp man also known as "Wetland Wes," is set to debut his very own swamp-themed show on the Nat Geo Wild network this fall.  Bramblatt becomes the last of America's swamp inhabitants to have a reality TV series that takes place in a swamp.

    "We're very excited," said the representative. "Our swamp series promises to wear out every possible swamp story line left that could possibly happen in a swamp.  Expect to see plenty of swamps, mosquitoes, leaky boats, rabid raccoons and subtitles."

    Sources close to the program say it is  "...as yet unnamed but most likely the word 'swamp' will appear somewhere in the title."

                                                  --------- Ed Kaz