February 9, 2016

  • PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL ANNOUNCES BOYCOTT OF GROUNDHOG DAY APPEARANCE

    By Ed Kaz Amalgamated Press

    Punxsutawney (AP)

    Punxsutawney Phil announced Thursday that he would not participate in the upcoming Groundhog Day event scheduled for February 2nd, escalating his off-and-on feud with Meerkat Kelly and throwing the future of spring prediction into turmoil.

    “I refuse to come out of my hole as long as Meerkat Kelly is there,” said an agitated Phil on a call-in talk radio program this morning.

    Yesterday the famed marmot tweeted “I refuse to call Meerkat Kelly a bimbo, because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight mongoose!”

    Meerkat Kelly had recently raised the ire of Punxsutawney Phil after calling him out on his disparaging comments about meerkats’ burrowing habits.

    Phil says he has scheduled a petting zoo event in Pittsburgh to counter the festival.

    "Talk to the paw!"

May 25, 2016

  • Beatle boots on the ground, by Ed Kaz

    All those years ago when we was young Beatle Freaks, getting access to a Beatles bootleg was a long arduous magically mysterious process.

    Beatle bootlegs were pressed on cheap vinyl with intentionally misleading titles on the label and (if you were lucky) maybe a mimeographed piece of paper describing the contents attached to a blank white cardboard jacket.

    Where could you find a Beatles bootleg? You had to know a guy. Or if you didn't know a guy you had dig deep at a flea market with a basic knowledge of what you were looking for.

    No matter the sonic quality, we longed to hear unreleased songs with intriguing titles like "Not Guilty," or "Child of Nature." It was an obsession. If and when you finally found one you'd call the friends over to marvel at your incredible find. The word "wow" was tossed around endlessly at a Beatles bootleg listening party. These recordings were not meant for mere mortals, yet here we all were. Listening. Wow.

    Now you just search and click.

    You kids don't know how good ya got it.

    ---- Ed Kaz

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAEPCV730PQ

  • Life Socks by Ed Kaz

    My socks don't match this morning and it brought back a memory:

    I was 12 years old at Boy Scout camp. My scout leader pointed out that my socks didn't match. "That's strange," I replied. "Because I have another pair just like these."

    The exasperated scout leader said "That's because..."

    Then he stopped dead, realizing he'd been had.

    That was the exact moment I realized my life's vocation.

April 6, 2016

April 5, 2016

  • BREAKING NEWS: NEW JERSEY MALL REPORTS BOB MARLEY T-SHIRT SUPPLY AT DANGEROUSLY LOW LEVELS.

     

    Customers at a Central New Jersey Spencer's are threatening to riot after it was reported the store has only two Bob Marley t-shirts remaining in stock. “This is a for real crisis,” said assistant manager Josh Twersky. “It's like, I don’t even know who Bob Marley is…some sort of communist politician or whatever…but people constantly come in to buy these t-shirts.”

    The critical shortage was allegedly caused by an employee who ordered five dozen Mariah Careys instead of the usual Bob Marleys.

    “It was an honest mistake,” said Twersky as he nervously twiddled his pokeman lanyard. “I mean, like, the names are real similar, right?”

    Twersky is asking for calm and says Spencer's will be handing out complimentary novelty vibrating panties until the Marley supply is replenished.

     

    --- Ed Kaz

February 9, 2016

  • THE RIGHT TO BEAR SPAMS. Catching up with the militia guys in Oregon

    By Ed Kaz

    Armed anti-government protesters have taken over a building in a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon, accusing officials of unfairly punishing ranchers who refused to sell their land.
    Sources have leaked a transcript of conversations being held inside the building:
    FIFTEEN MINUTES IN:
    We’re sending a powerful message! Restore our constitutional rights!
    Yeah! We’ll show ‘em!
    THIRTY FIVE MINUTES IN:
    I thought you said this would be over before supper?
    Don’t sweat it. I have some cans of Spam to tide us over.
    THREE HOURS IN:
    I really like your Carhartt jacket. It’s just like mine. Where’d you get it?
    Same place as you.
    Oh yeah I forgot. It’s nice though. Great color.
    Yeah. Brown. Like yours.
    I really really like it.
    FOUR AND A HALF HOURS IN:
    Damn I miss my truck. Anyone got some cans we can shoot?
    How about these empty Spam cans?
    Hell yeah!
    [BLAM!] [BLAM!]
    TWENTY FOUR HOURS IN:
    Someone should order out for some deodorant and more cans of Spam, no?
    THIRTY SEVEN HOURS IN:
    Ya know it would have been nice if the toilet worked in this stupid building.
    Hey! Idea! We can use the cans of Spam!
    We shot ‘em full of holes, remember?
    Damn.
    FIFTY THREE HOURS IN:
    I HATE LOOKING AT YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMN CARHARTT JACKET.
    But it’s just like yours, remember?
    SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.
    Hey look! They’re delivering more Spam.
    Sorry Hank. I’ll be more civil once I’ve eaten.
    DON’T FORGET TO SAVE THE CANS!
    TO BE CONTINUED....

September 16, 2015

  • BREAKING NEWS: MAN FALLS ON OWN SELFIE STICK, DIES

    By Ed Kaz / Amalgamated Press

    John Twersky of Fremont Nebraska died yesterday while taking a selfie with
    his own selfie stick. An initial police investigation revealed that Twersky, 27, was attempting
    to selfie himself and had not seen the "wet floor" sign in the lobby of his vacation hotel.
    "Mister Twersky slipped and the selfie stick went right through him," said chief detective Biff Ronstadt,
    "It was pretty hilarious."

    In lieu of flowers Twersky's family asks that you not mention this
    stupid embarrassing thing Twersky did to anyone.

     

     

    --------------- Ed Kaz

February 25, 2015

  • BREAKING NEWS: ONE MANHATTAN MAN DOES NOT OWN A CANADA GOOSE WINTER JACKET

    Sources confirmed last week that John Twersky of East 69th Street is the only person in
    New York City who does not own a "Canada Goose" jacket.

    The extreme weather wear jacket with the circular Canada Goose Arctic Program logo has become a symbol of individuality on city
    streets this winter, so much so that the entire smug self-satisfied population of Manhattan now owns one.

    Twersky, however, steadfastly refuses to join what he feels is a ridiculous trend. "I'm still wearing
    a St. John's bay puffer jacket I purchased a JCPenney in 1986," said Twersky, "Was warm then,
    is warm now." Twersky went on to express his distaste for actual Canada Geese. "They're vermin!
    They mess up the park! They walk in front of cars!" He quickly added "This is not the symbolism I'm looking for in my
    winter wear."

    [UPDATE: Twersky now owns a Canada Goose slim fitting Chateau Parka with the
    removable coyote fur hood. "Danged if these things aren't warm and comfortable, and all of a sudden
    people are noticing me in the street. Best $747 I ever spent!"

    Twersky then disappeared into the smug self-satisfied midtown crowd, never to be seen again.

    canadagooselogo

     

    ------------ Ed Kaz

January 23, 2015

  • BREAKING NEWS: NRA SHUTS DOWN PERMANENTLY AFTER BRYANT GUMBEL HURTS ITS FEELINGS

    By Ed Kaz

    Amalgamated Press

    FAIRFAX VA: Upon hearing the terribly hurtful comments issued by television personality Bryant Gumbel, a tearful Wayne LaPierre announced today he will be shutting down the NRA for good.

    Gumbel, in an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, said the NRA is a curse upon the American landscape. “There are a few things I hate more than the NRA," said Gumbel. "I mean truly. I think they’re pigs,"

    "We've been called a lot of things," said LaPierre, barely holding back a sob at a morning press conference, "But pigs?" That hurts. That's enough. I'm calling on all our members to turn in their cards, t-shirts, jackets, bumper stickers, mugs, and AK-47s. It's over."

    When asked about his plans for the future, LaPierre said he will return to his first love: Potpourri arranging. "It's so much more peaceful," said LaPierre about the fragrant hobby, "and totes less controversial."

    "With potpourri, everyone is a good guy," an emotionally overwrought LaPierre was heard to say off-mic as he ran screaming from the room.