By Ed Kaz Amalgamated Press

Punxsutawney (AP)

Punxsutawney Phil announced Thursday that he would not participate in the upcoming Groundhog Day event scheduled for February 2nd, escalating his off-and-on feud with Meerkat Kelly and throwing the future of spring prediction into turmoil.

“I refuse to come out of my hole as long as Meerkat Kelly is there,” said an agitated Phil on a call-in talk radio program this morning.

Yesterday the famed marmot tweeted “I refuse to call Meerkat Kelly a bimbo, because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight mongoose!”

Meerkat Kelly had recently raised the ire of Punxsutawney Phil after calling him out on his disparaging comments about meerkats’ burrowing habits.

Phil says he has scheduled a petting zoo event in Pittsburgh to counter the festival.

Hello Hello Hello...

Is there anybody in there in there in there?

All those years ago when we was young Beatle Freaks, getting access to a Beatles bootleg was a long arduous magically mysterious process.

Beatle bootlegs were pressed on cheap vinyl with intentionally misleading titles on the label and (if you were lucky) maybe a mimeographed piece of paper describing the contents attached to a blank white cardboard jacket.

Where could you find a Beatles bootleg? You had to know a guy. Or if you didn't know a guy you had dig deep at a flea market with a basic knowledge of what you were looking for.

No matter the sonic quality, we longed to hear unreleased songs with intriguing titles like "Not Guilty," or "Child of Nature." It was an obsession. If and when you finally found one you'd call the friends over to marvel at your incredible find. The word "wow" was tossed around endlessly at a Beatles bootleg listening party. These recordings were not meant for mere mortals, yet here we all were. Listening. Wow.

Now you just search and click.

You kids don't know how good ya got it.

---- Ed Kaz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAEPCV730PQ

My socks don't match this morning and it brought back a memory:

I was 12 years old at Boy Scout camp. My scout leader pointed out that my socks didn't match. "That's strange," I replied. "Because I have another pair just like these."

The exasperated scout leader said "That's because..."

St. Mark's Place NYC

Customers at a Central New Jersey Spencer's are threatening to riot after it was reported the store has only two Bob Marley t-shirts remaining in stock. “This is a for real crisis,” said assistant manager Josh Twersky. “It's like, I don’t even know who Bob Marley is…some sort of communist politician or whatever…but people constantly come in to buy these t-shirts.”

The critical shortage was allegedly caused by an employee who ordered five dozen Mariah Careys instead of the usual Bob Marleys.

By Ed Kaz

By Ed Kaz / Amalgamated Press

John Twersky of Fremont Nebraska died yesterday while taking a selfie with
his own selfie stick. An initial police investigation revealed that Twersky, 27, was attempting
to selfie himself and had not seen the "wet floor" sign in the lobby of his vacation hotel.
"Mister Twersky slipped and the selfie stick went right through him," said chief detective Biff Ronstadt,
"It was pretty hilarious."

In lieu of flowers Twersky's family asks that you not mention this
stupid embarrassing thing Twersky did to anyone.

--------------- Ed Kaz

Sources confirmed last week that John Twersky of East 69th Street is the only person in
New York City who does not own a "Canada Goose" jacket.

The extreme weather wear jacket with the circular Canada Goose Arctic Program logo has become a symbol of individuality on city
streets this winter, so much so that the entire smug self-satisfied population of Manhattan now owns one.

Twersky, however, steadfastly refuses to join what he feels is a ridiculous trend. "I'm still wearing
a St. John's bay puffer jacket I purchased a JCPenney in 1986," said Twersky, "Was warm then,
is warm now." Twersky went on to express his distaste for actual Canada Geese. "They're vermin!
They mess up the park! They walk in front of cars!" He quickly added "This is not the symbolism I'm looking for in my
winter wear."

[UPDATE: Twersky now owns a Canada Goose slim fitting Chateau Parka with the
removable coyote fur hood. "Danged if these things aren't warm and comfortable, and all of a sudden
people are noticing me in the street. Best $747 I ever spent!"

Twersky then disappeared into the smug self-satisfied midtown crowd, never to be seen again.

------------ Ed Kaz