January 23, 2015
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BREAKING NEWS: NRA SHUTS DOWN PERMANENTLY AFTER BRYANT GUMBEL HURTS ITS FEELINGS
By Ed Kaz
Amalgamated Press
FAIRFAX VA: Upon hearing the terribly hurtful comments issued by television personality Bryant Gumbel, a tearful Wayne LaPierre announced today he will be shutting down the NRA for good.
Gumbel, in an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, said the NRA is a curse upon the American landscape. “There are a few things I hate more than the NRA," said Gumbel. "I mean truly. I think they’re pigs,"
"We've been called a lot of things," said LaPierre, barely holding back a sob at a morning press conference, "But pigs?" That hurts. That's enough. I'm calling on all our members to turn in their cards, t-shirts, jackets, bumper stickers, mugs, and AK-47s. It's over."
When asked about his plans for the future, LaPierre said he will return to his first love: Potpourri arranging. "It's so much more peaceful," said LaPierre about the fragrant hobby, "and totes less controversial."
"With potpourri, everyone is a good guy," an emotionally overwrought LaPierre was heard to say off-mic as he ran screaming from the room.
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