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  • JOHN TWERSKY, INTERNET PIONEER passes away

    JOHN TWERSKY, INTERNET PIONEER

    OBIT: John Twersky, Internet pioneer, has died. The Chester Vermont native held the distinction of being first person in history to post a snotty mean-spirited comment on someone's YouTube clip. When news of Twersky's passing was first revealed, tribute comments flooded in ranging from "dickweed" to "clueless a-hole" to "GOOD."

  • Thank Someone for Thursday!

    Thursday is the best day because it's all about the anticipation of Friday.

    By Friday you're all anticipated-out and beginning to think about what you're going to do on Saturday which becomes very stressful.

    Saturday you try to sleep in but are abruptly awoken at 6AM by the garbage truck, the kid playing basketball in the street, or the guy with the leaf blower (in JULY? Where are the leaves in July?)

    Sunday morning you're filled with weary disappointment because you didn't accomplish anything on Saturday (or you accomplished too much and spent time in custody).

    Sunday evening you're worrying about Monday.

    And Monday, well, you know Monday.

    So, like I said, Thursday is the best day.
    Enjoy it while it's here.
    Thank you.

     

    ----------------- Ed Kaz

  • NATIONAL SAUSAGE PIZZA DAY FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

    1. I eat pizza a night. Am I still allowed to celebrate?
    2. Will the current government shutdown affect our national sausage supply? I worry about Chinese sausage.
    3. If they have a parade, will electric scooters with heavy duty shocks be provided for us?
    4. I'm under 26. Can I continue to receive sausage pizza under my parent's plan?
    5. Can calories I accumulate from this holiday carry over to National Pancake Day?

  • NEW ITEM NOW AVAILABLE IN THE NRA GIFT SHOP:

    For that special someone in your life who loves to hide behind the Second Amendment: It's the new Bulletproof Bill of Rights! Hide behind it while having spirited discussions with stupid liberals AND hide behind it while you're out in the woods shootin' up trees and chipmunks!

    Defend your right to bear arms while luxuriating in comfy breathable Kevlar® ballistic fabric.

    First 5,000 orders will receive their Bulletproof Bill of Rights with specially drilled holes! Please specify barrel size of your firearm when you order. God Bless America.

    ----- Ed Kaz

  • BREAKING: AUTOMOTIVE INDUSTRY TO REINVENT WHEEL

    Dearborn, MI (Amalgamated Press) The Ford Motor Company announced today it will eliminate the steering wheel on all future models beginning in 2015. 

    The steering wheel--in use for over one hundred years--will be replaced by a mouse.  "Just click in the direction you want to go, and you'll go there," said CEO Alan Mulally.  

    Ford is reportedly also working on a "right click" braking system as well as downloadable horn tones.  "An angry honk will now be replaced by a pleasant Miley Cyrus tune," explained Mulally, adding "We believe this will significantly cut down on the amount of road rage on our nation's highways."  

    Mulally offered no comment after a reporter mentioned a Miley Cyrus horn tone would probably increase highway road rage.

                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

  • BREAKING: Stray Asteroid seen by no one...

    NEW YORK:  A stray asteroid that nearly crashed in Times Square before suddenly veering back up into space this morning was not seen by anyone because they were all staring at their smartphones.

    Non eye-witness Nicole Massey reported hearing something but didn't look because "someone probably got a shot of it on an iPhone or something."

    Upon learing that not one single person on the planet took a picture of the asteroid because they were buried in their phones, Massey said, "There's a sale at H&M."

      ------- Ed Kaz

  • BREAKING: WEINER JOKES REACH TEN MILLION MARK TODAY

    NEW YORK: Ralphie Espinosa of Far Rockaway told the ten millionth Anthony Weiner joke this afternoon at approximately 3:42 Eastern Time.  The joke, "What does he do when he goes to Nathan's? Order himself?" admittedly not really that funny, still qualified as a joke according to officials. 

    Federal law prohibits a person from telling jokes about public figures after the ten million mark.  Violators of "Dolly's Law" face stiff penalties. 

    When asked to comment on his milestone Espinosa said, "Stiff penalty?  I bet he..." before being tased by a nearby police officer.

                                                               --------- Ed Kaz

  • SWAMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE by Ed Kaz!

    ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:

    LAST SWAMP MAN WITHOUT SWAMP SHOW NOW HAS ONE.

    A representative for Wesley Bramblatt of Hockhockson Swamp in Monmouth County NJ, has confirmed that Bramblatt, a swamp man also known as "Wetland Wes," is set to debut his very own swamp-themed show on the Nat Geo Wild network this fall.  Bramblatt becomes the last of America's swamp inhabitants to have a reality TV series that takes place in a swamp.

    "We're very excited," said the representative. "Our swamp series promises to wear out every possible swamp story line left that could possibly happen in a swamp.  Expect to see plenty of swamps, mosquitoes, leaky boats, rabid raccoons and subtitles."

    Sources close to the program say it is  "...as yet unnamed but most likely the word 'swamp' will appear somewhere in the title."

                                                  --------- Ed Kaz

  • I am the Lizard King, I can endorse anything.

    There was a great documentary a few years back about The Doors entitled "When You're Strange." Quite a rough and tumble life ol' Jim Morrison led there. 
    But we know all that story. It's been told time and again. And that story always ends with Jim going to Paris. 
    Well, what if Jim came back from Paris?
    I'm producing a new documentary:
    WHEN YOU'RE STRANGER: JIM'S BACK 
    1971: Jim Morrison comes back from Paris. 
    He informs his fellow Doors he's changed his mind and would like to make some extra money endorsing automobiles. Pontiac immediately begins airing "Light My Firebird" with shots of Morrison doing donuts in his Beverly Hills driveway. 
    That success leads to another lucrative endorsement: The Doors re-record songs for Dunkin' Donuts including "Cruller King Snake," "Soul Munchkin" and "When the Music's Over (It's Time to Make the Donuts)." 
    Morrison then signs on for several appearances on Animal Planet. Each week "The Lizard King" travels to a different exotic locale in search of the perfect lizards, gets drunk and eats them. 
    After several years and several more endorsements, taunts of "Sell Out!" on the Internet reach a fever pitch. 
    2013: Jim Morrison goes back to Paris.
                                                                                         ----- Ed Kaz!

  • LinkedIn: A Celebration(?)


    I just received the following email from LinkedIn: 
    THANK YOU ED FOR BEING PART OF OUR FIRST DECADE! 
    Why thank you LinkedIn! I've never been more proud. Indeed, it was an incredible ten years wasn't it? Seems like it was only yesterday when I figured out what the hell LinkedIn actually is. 
    Oh wait. That was yesterday. 
    LinkedIn is some sort of Facebook/MySpace-ish thingy (only excruciatingly more difficult to navigate) where people you would avoid like herpes in the real world (VP Developmental Point of Sale Marketing Associate Vice President?) recommend you for your skills in PowerPoint. Really? I know PowerPoint? What the hell is PowerPoint?
    So thanks again, LinkedIn. I look forward to another decade of useful personalized messages from folks with template descriptions including (but not limited to) "one-of-a-kind!" "dedicated" "detail-oriented business solutions!" Sorry, but I can't give you give you "ten seconds of my time" to leave you a "quick rating" because I'm not sure who you are or where the hell I should click.
                                                                       ---------- Ed Kaz