December 20, 2009

  • AN OPEN LETTER OF APOLOGY TO PARSON BROWN

    Dear Parson Brown,

    This letter is addressed to you in the hopes of receiving your forgiveness. I have learned the hard way that sometimes a wholesome innocent activity can turn into something terribly hurtful and insulting.

    That snowman in the meadow that looks exactly like you? Well, Parson Brown, I'm the one who built it and it was all my idea.

    I am truly sorry to have hurt and angered such an important public figure as yourself, Parson Brown. It's completely inexcusable and I realize now that it has caused a lot of embarrassment to you along with Mrs. Brown and your lovely daughter. But I need you to try and understand my motivation for building that snowman. This is difficult for me to say but I feel it must be said.

    Parson Brown, your personal appearance and public behavior of late has taken a serious downturn.

    Perhaps the good folks who work in the parson's office are too fearful to inform you, but frankly, you've really packed on the pounds lately. Last year you were so slim and dashing; This year you've gotten--how can I put this--well rounded. So well rounded in fact that your torso has grown out of proportion with your underdeveloped arms. And I don't think I'm the only villager who's taken notice of your increasingly pale unhealthy complexion (There's a new tanning salon next to the blacksmith. Please accept the enclosed gift certificate).

    Also, it's no secret that you drank a wee bit too much nog at last year's church mixer. By now everyone has seen those pictures of you on The Internet sticking Oreo cookies on your eyes and pretending to smoke a carrot stick. And Parson Brown, please know that if you run around in a top hat and shriek, "Look! I'm Slash!" it will frighten the children and the elderly.

    In closing, Parson Brown, I realize that by building a snowman that resembles you I have caused much in the way of hurt and anger, but I'm also hoping you'll see this as wake up call: If you continue to neglect your health and appearance this way you are surely headed for a meltdown.

    Sincerely,
    Ed Kaz

December 8, 2009

December 6, 2009

  • I met The Boss and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

    The story of my Springsteen encounter was published in the Asbury Park Press back in 1999.

    MY BRUSH WITH BRUCE-NESS
    By ED KAZ!
    Correspondent

    Living in New Jersey, you've no doubt heard hundreds of "I met Bruce" stories. "I met Bruce at the WaWa." "I met Bruce at the diner." "I met Bruce at the Monmouth Mall."

    Well, here's one more:

    Springsteen was a fixture on the Jersey Shore club scene for the entire summer of '82, hanging out and jamming with the local bands. One joint in particular was Big Man's West in Red Bank, owned by sax man Clarence Clemons. Local custom always held that if you ever spot Springsteen at a club, you should never bother him. Just give him his space. He's one of us. And especially don't ask for an autograph!

    But one night at Big Man's the rules changed. Springsteen -- who was a single man at the time -- was flirting with the T-shirt girl. It had gotten to the point where he actually went behind the table and started helping her sell the Big Man's shirts. He even began to autograph them. By the time I had arrived he had stopped, but I purchased a T-shirt anyway.

    A little while later I spied him standing alone next to the bar. I seized the moment, strutting confidently up to him and saying, "Hey Bruce, could you sign my T-shirt?" He growled, "Sure," took it from me and wrote a huge "Bruce Springsteen" with the Bic pen he had in his pocket. As he handed it back I said, "Thanks, Bruce!" Then I got a little brave and asked, "So! Do you think you might get up and play with the band tonight?" I was greeted with a wordless glare, exactly the same wordless glare you will find on "The River" LP cover. I couldn't figure out if maybe he didn't hear me or just didn't want to answer.

    It was the longest six and a half seconds of my life.

    Sheepishly, I stammered, "OK! Well I guess I'll just have to hang around and see, huh?" My Boss-Time had expired. With an abrupt about-face, I quickly vamoosed into the crowd.

    Yes, Springsteen did end up playing that night, roaring full-tilt with The Beaver Brown Band on a slew of Mitch Ryder and Chuck Berry chestnuts, ending well after the 2 a.m. closing time.

    And his guitar-playing showed nary a trace of writer's cramp.

                                                                                ---- Ed Kaz

December 4, 2009

  • “Oh, someone’s ransacking my hotel room.”

    The Kaz interviews David Brenner in Friday's Asbury Park Press

    COMEDY'S GREATEST BITS
    David Brenner looks back with laughter

    By Ed Kaz!
    Comedy Correspondent

    Certified comic legend David Brenner is out on the road performing what could almost be called a greatest hits tour.   "I do ninety minutes," explained Brenner, phoning from his home base in Las Vegas. "It’s an autobiographical painting if you will of my life, but instead of paint I use the best jokes and routines out of my career, out of the forty years I’ve been doing this.  So I’m excited to do it."  If you've never experienced Brenner live, now's your chance.   The pride of South Philly makes rare area club appearance this weekend at Sayreville's Prime Time Comedy Club

    KAZ!:  Wow David.  158 appearances on the Tonight Show!  What's your strangest couch-sharing experience?

    BRENNER:  It was with Jose Feliciano.  Because he doesn’t have sight and he sat down and he hit me twice with his guitar.  That’s true.  And of course you’re embarrassed.  You don’t want to say anything, but he could hear the strings, the vibration sound.  He knew he hit something.  But he didn’t know it was my head.

    KAZ!:  What’s the last thing that passes through your mind before you go onstage?

    BRENNER:  That someone might be robbing me at home.  Yeah.  I’m always worried about that.   You know, oh this is great.  I’m doin’ The Tonight Show and then I start to think, “Oh, someone’s ransacking my hotel room.”  But I’m paranoid so ya gotta excuse me.

    KAZ!:  If you weren’t doing comedy, what the heck would you be doing?

    BRENNER:  I’d be robbing comedians’ houses.  [laughs]  I think I would be sailing the world.  I love to sail and I think I would have just like gathered some money together and hit the oceans.  

    KAZ!:  Maybe you could have been a pirate like those pirates we’re hearing so much about.

    BRENNER:  The Somalians?  Let me ask you a question.  I don’t understand, you know?   I’m a Jewish guy; I look for the business reason for this.  They took a tanker that’s three football fields long.  Now I understand stealing jewelry.   You know, you hide in the alley, you come out and you say “You wanna buy a Rolex?”  I don’t understand coming out of the alley and saying, “Ya like boats?  Ya like BIG boats?”  How are they making their money?  I don’t understand the business acumen of this.  

    Have a great weekend and please remember to laugh responsibly.

    AsburyKaz@aol.com

     

    DAVID BRENNER
    Prime Time Comedy Club & Theatre
    960 Route 9 South, Sayreville
    Showtimes: Tonight 8pm, Saturday 7:30 & 10:30pm
    Tickets:  $30
    (732)-721-6555
    www.primetimecomedyonline.com
    www.davidbrennersite.com

     

December 3, 2009

  • "I was a funny kid for free."

    The Kaz Column from Friday's Asbury Park Press

    NOT FREE AT LAST
    Patrice O'Neal gets laughs and gets paid.

    By Ed Kaz !
    Comedy Correspondent

    How did  Patrice O'Neal pick his vocation?  "I was a funny kid for free," reflected O'Neal,  "Then I was a funny teenager for free.  Luckily comedy exists so I don't have to be a funny man for free."  That answer sums up the Boston born comic's style: No nonsense, to the point, and hilarious.   O'Neal earns a paycheck this weekend at New Brunswick's Stress Factory.

    KAZ!:  Patrice, do you have any sort of pre-show ritual?

    O'NEAL: Yes.  I try to stay very calm, very focused, and in the moment.  Then with about five minutes left before I go on stage I start resenting and hating the person on stage before me.

    KAZ!:  If you could live in any other era of human history, which one would it be?

    O'NEAL: Definitely the 70s.  The actual 70s, like 70 AD, so I could have sex with Roman B*****s.)

    KAZ!:  Are you a good heckler handler?  Got any heckler handling tips?

    O'NEAL: I enjoy audience interaction.  I enjoy the audience feeling connected to the show.  I enjoy the audience feeling invested in the show, but I hate hecklers.  Hecklers are all about themselves, not about the show. My best heckler line comeback is "Please stop heckling, or I will have you thrown out." I hate selfish-*ss hecklers, but I do love people who participate.

    KAZ!:  Who makes YOU laugh?

    O'NEAL: Too many to say. That's my cowardly way of saying not that many people.

    KAZ!:  What's your favorite kind of cake?

    O'NEAL: Before I got diabetes, ALL CAKES.  Cake was the only important part of the title.

    KAZ!:  If you weren't doing comedy, what the heck WOULD you be doing?

    O'NEAL: A funny guy doing something that I wouldn't want to be doing.

    KAZ!:  What do you love the most about New Jersey?

    O'NEAL: New York.

    -------------------------------------------
    Have a great weekend and please remember to laugh responsibly.

    AsburyKaz@aol.com


     
    PATRICE ONEAL
    Tonight & Saturday
    Stress Factory Comedy Club
    90 Church St. New Brunswick
    Showtimes 8 & 10:30
    Tickets: $25
    Reservations:
    (732)-545-4242 
    www.stressfactory.com
     

November 13, 2009

  • "My **** jokes come from God."

    Here's my comedy column from Friday's Asbury Park Press

    LET NO CELEB GO UNPUNISHED
    That's Greg Giraldo's motto

    By Ed Kaz!
    Comedy Correspondent

    The dictionary defines "roast" thusly:  "To cook with dry heat, as in an oven or near hot coals." 

    If you've ever watched a celeb on the receiving end of a Comedy Central Roast, you know that's an applicable definition.   Over the years, countless celebs have had their egos bent, folded, and mutilated courtesy of the sharp-edged witticisms of Nick DiPaolo, Lisa Lampanelli, Jeffrey Ross, and Greg Giraldo, who once said of roastee William Shatner, "Bill is an inspiration. He proves that having no talent can be seen as hip and ironic."  Recently I had the opportunity to chat with Giraldo and was able to make my escape relatively unroasted.

    KAZ!:  Greg, why would anyone want to become a comedian anyway?
     
    GIRALDO:  Good question.  Free booze and fat girls.
     
    KAZ!:  How does funny stuff come to you?
     
    GIRALDO:  How did the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel come to Michelangelo?  From God, Ed.  My **** jokes come from God.  I don’t think of myself as a comedian so much as a vessel for God’s grace.
     
    KAZ!:  Of all the celebrity roasts you've been on, which was your favorite?
     
    GIRALDO:  Larry the Cable Guy, because that’s the one night I didn’t feel weird bringing my cousin as a date.
     
    KAZ!:  In your opinion, which unroasted celebrity is in dire need of some roasting?
     
    GIRALDO:  Travis Barker -- oh, wait, you said unroasted.  Megan Fox – not because she’d be a good target but because, after being roasted, her self-esteem would be so shattered that I might have a shot.
     
    KAZ!:  Are you a good heckler-handler?  Got any tips on heckler-handling?
     
    GIRALDO:  I’d say I have a heck of a handle on handling hecklers’ heckles.  I usually try to talk to them and understand why they feel compelled to heckle comedians and then I try to sympathize with them for having been touched by their uncles.
     
    KAZ!:  What does it feel like the moment they call you out to the stage of the David Letterman Show?
     
    GIRALDO:   It feels like I wish I’d spent my time backstage focusing on my stand-up set instead of on which female staffer might need a ride home later.
     
    KAZ!:  What do you see yourself doing in five years?

     GIRALDO:    Probably just wrapping up this interview.
     
    KAZ!:  What's the number one misconception that people have of you?
     
    GIRALDO:  People think I’m a mean hostile jerk because of the Roasts but that’s not true; I’m a mean hostile jerk for other reasons.

    -------------------------------------------
    Have a great weekend and please remember to laugh responsibly.

    AsburyKaz@aol.com

     
    GREG GIRALDO
    Tonight & Saturday
    Stress Factory Comedy Club
    90 Church St. New Brunswick
    Showtimes 8 & 10:30
    Tickets: $27
    Reservations:
    (732)-545-4242 
    www.stressfactory.com

November 9, 2009

  • Loving Louis Prima

    This first appeared in the Asbury Park Press in 2003

    FOR THE LOVE OF LOUIS
    For Gia Maione-Prima, the legend and the love lives on.

    By Ed Kaz !
    Correspondent

    Louis Prima means a lot of things to a lot of people: A.) King of Vegas, B.) Voice of the ape in the Jungle Book , C.) Influential jazz trumpet player and songwriter, D.) That dude who sings in the "Khaki Swing" Gap Commercial. But to Gia Maione-Prima of Island Heights he’s all of the above and more: Louis Prima was a musical comrade, best friend, and love of her life.

    Maione-Prima started out as a fan, then became Prima’s singing partner and wife from 1963 until his passing in 1978. Ever since she’s been engaged in a labor of love: Preserving his legacy. Currently she’s hard at work producing a CD re-issue of her husband’s albums from the 60s and 70s--records that she hopes will make the case that Prima did not rest on his laurels after his career-making sides for Capitol in the 1950s. That decade brought forth such jukebox faves as "Just a Gigolo," "Old Black Magic," and the ever-enduring "Jump, Jive, An’ Wail," the song that sold a whole lot of pants.

    "I really believed that we were destined to come together," said the soft-spoken Maione-Prima, seated across the kitchen table at her home in Island Heights. During our chat, Prima’s spirit was very much in evidence. There’s a photo of the couple snuggling on a golf-cart here, the gold record for Jungle Book there. On the floor in the living room was a long box brimming with records, all Prima's (He made hundreds in a career which spanned from 1934 to 1975). And just a few feet away, resting on the mantle, forever silent, sat The Trumpet.

    Maione-Prima was already a long-time fan when she first me the legendary entertainer in 1962. Prima, still smarting from his acrimonious split with wife/singing partner Keely Smith, was on a nationwide search for a new "girl singer" to join his act. The word was out: He’d be trying out girls at the Latin Casino nightclub in Cherry Hill. Maione--then a fresh-faced nineteen-year-old living with her folks in Toms River--was ready for her appointment with destiny. " I was working in Howard Johnson’s--the IHOP now-- when I read in the paper that he was auditioning girl singers." She ran home and begged her mom to drive her to the audition. What comes next reads like a low-budget musical from the 1950’s, but Maione-Prima swears it’s all true:

    "After each show the girls would line up backstage after the curtains closed and stay with the piano player," recounted the singer. "Louis would sit there and listen to each one of them sing. All these girls were gorgeous: tight gowns, low necklines. Just gorgeous. And when I went to audition I had a poodle haircut and just had lipstick and crinolines and a cotton dress." The always unpredictable Prima decided not to wait for intermission to audition Maione. "During the show, he said [with New Orleans accent] ‘We have a little girl here from Tawms River New Jersey and she would like to audition and sing for you.’ And he calls me up and he said, ‘’Do you know ‘I’m in the Mood for Love?’’ And I said ‘Oh yeah!’ I knew everything, because I collected everything he ever did! Back in the variety shows here I did all Louis’ songs."

    Maione’s demure appearance concealed a giant singing talent. Prima and his band (Sam Butera and the Witnesses) were duly impressed; just a few days later she found herself headlining her first show at the prestigious Basin Street East in the New York City. That night when the curtain went up Maione could not believe her eyes. “Front row: Ella Fitzgerald, Peggy Lee, Jackie Gleason, Robert Mitchum, Anita Louise, Walter Winchell, Hedda Hopper," said a still awe struck Maione-Prima. "I want to tell you, I was not nervous, but the guitar player couldn’t play a lick. [laughs] He was scared to death!" Indeed, one celebrity in the audience seemed to be sharing in the nervousness. "Jackie Gleason spilled a drink on Ella Fitzgerald’s cleavage by accident," laughed Maione-Prima. "He was going to toast Louis and when he went like that [raises arm] it went right on poor Ella. That was a big laugh, trying to clean her off and all."

    And as if that wasn't enough, later that same week the band was booked to play the Ed Sullivan Show. Now the little girl who sang Louis Prima songs at variety shows in Toms River was now on television in front of millions.

    "We didn’t even have rehearsal time,” explained Maione-Prima. On the show, she performed “I Want You to be My Baby,” which quickly became her signature song. "Baby" showcases a breath-takingly rapid-fire delivery that could stop Eminem in his tracks. “[It] was a song that I had been singing," said Maione-Prima with a laugh, "So I just told them what key and [the band] did it and Louis chimed in to try to make it a little routine for us."

    It wasn't long before the little routine turned into big love. On Lincoln’s Birthday 1963 Prima popped the question in a parked limo between shows at Harrah’s in Lake Tahoe. As Maione-Prima tells it, he met her at the side entrance of Harrah’s, got into the limo, produced two rings and said, "I’d like to marry you, now." Before you could say “Zooma Zooma,” they were in front of the justice of the peace. Ever the professionals, they got back just in time for their second set. "Louis took me onstage and introduced me as Gia-Maione-Prima for the first time. Sam and the boys fell on the ground."

    As the 60s wore on, the Primas began to see that the times they were a’ changing. The live act was still a major attraction but record execs were now looking across the pond to fill their roster. "In 1963, when the Beatles landed music changed forever,” remembers Maione-Prima. “With a company like Capitol, people like Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Louis and all these great performers were put on a back burner. If you didn’t have an English accent they didn’t want to put your stuff out there. And so Louis said ‘I’m not gonna take this.’" So, in Prima-Maione’s words, “Louis re-invented himself.”

    He decided to form his own label, Prima 1 Magnagroove Records, which stayed in business until 1975 when the singer took ill and fell into a coma from which he never recovered. The albums--which could be obtained only at shows or via a mailing list--are quite remarkable in sound quality and musicianship and more than hold their own against Prima’s best. During the past year Maione-Prima has been hard at work getting them reissued. “I remastered them all myself in the studio with Dennis Drake in [Morganville] and had them pressed and we kept the artwork and everything intact as the original covers. And we’re having wonderful response."

    These days Maione-Prima tirelessly goes about the family business; she promises more CD reissues as well as DVD in the near future. When asked about her favorite Prima song, she just smiles. "I cannot tell you. I have so many. This is gonna sound corny, but I play his music all the time. As a kid, as an adult, and now as a senior citizen, there’s no better way to clean your house and do your chores than blast Louis, because he gives you the energy, and he makes it a pleasure."


    Louis, Gia, and You Know Who.  Circa 1960s.

    FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE PRIMA 1 MAGNAGROOVE REISSUES GO TO www.louisprima.com

November 6, 2009

  • Talkin' Cake with Tom Arnold.

    From Friday's Asbury Park Press...

    HE'S THE CAKE GUY
    By Ed Kaz !
    Comedy Correspondent.

    It was hard for me to reconcile the hard living Tom Arnold of Tabloid and Internet fame with the friendly humble guy on the other end of the phone; the Tom Arnold I spoke with is a man remorseful for mistakes made and grateful to still be accepted in the public entertainment eye.

    From scrappy beginnings in a Hormel meat factory in Ottumwa, Iowa, Arnold has made his way through a career of stand up, producing and acting in TV and movies and all around craziness (read: a tumultuous marriage to Roseanne Barr and a decade fueled by various and sundry substances). But according to Tom Arnold 2009, that's all in the past. He's now clean and sober.

    His one vice? Cake.

    Arnold puts in a super rare appearance at New Brunswick's Stress Factory this weekend.

    KAZ!: Tom, you seem to be no stranger to controversy. Have you done anything controversial today yet?

    ARNOLD: Uh, just talkin’ to you. I think that, well, I hope not. I hope not. I haven’t left the house so…

    KAZ!: Fingers crossed!

    ARNOLD: A lot of things happen apparently. I do things that I’m not even there for so I may have. I may have done some things that you can read on Twitter about.

    KAZ!: Well, stay on the phone with me and I’ll keep you out of trouble, at least for a while.

    ARNOLD: [laughs] You can be my alibi.

    KAZ!: What was your favorite film role?

    ARNOLD: I loved doing “True Lies” because I made friends with everybody there and “Happy Endings” I loved too. The roles where you have to fight for ‘em and get lucky, which is basically every one of my roles. I’ve been in like seventy movies, three good ones.

    KAZ!: What’s your least favorite film role?

    ARNOLD: I can’t remember the name of it, but when I got there I realized that the lead woman was the girlfriend of the financier. She’d never acted before.

    KAZ!: How excited are you that you’re going to be in New Brunswick New Jersey?

    ARNOLD: Well, I’m excited. I wasn’t familiar with the club because it’s been a while since I’ve done the clubs.

    KAZ!: You’ll like the Stress Factory. It’s set up like an old-fashioned comedy club.

    ARNOLD: Well that’s what all the comics say…

    KAZ!: …but it has a clean restroom.

    ARNOLD: Is there a green room?

    KAZ!: No. You have to stand in the alley. You have to sit in the car while it’s idling.

    ARNOLD: OK. That sounds good.

    KAZ!: What’s your favorite kind of cake?

    ARNOLD: Oh man, I’m a big…if it’s a particular, there’s a place called Jerry’s Deli that has my favorite carrot cake out here [in LA], because I like carrot cake with nuts. I like wedding cake.

    KAZ!: How many times?

    ARNOLD: [laughs] Yes. Exactly. I use any excuse. If a person has a birthday or a sober birthday I’m the cake guy. That means I gotta eat the corner piece. And no matter what diet I’m on or whatever I think it’s bad luck if you do not eat some cake if it’s somebody’s celebration. It could be somebody’s celebration every night so I love pretty much all kinds of cake. That’s a question I can talk about for an hour.

     

    -------------------------------
    Have a great weekend and please remember to laugh responsibly.

    AsburyKaz@aol.com

    TOM ARNOLD
    Tonight & Saturday
    Stress Factory Comedy Club
    90 Church St. New Brunswick
    Showtimes 8 & 10:30
    Tickets: $27
    Reservations:
    (732)-545-4242

November 5, 2009

  • Shallow Thoughts by Ed Kaz

      
                                                                                                       ----- Ed Kaz

October 30, 2009