Uh...hello Rocky. I hope you're reading this.

Remember when I said there was nothing cute about you? Remember how I said I hated the hours you keep and your eating habits? Well I think I spoke too soon.

Two nights have passed without your jarring prehistoric growly noises and I didn't realize how much I have come to love those noises. I know I said a lot of bad things about you which caused you to leave my back yard, but I just didn't think things through.

Rocky! Please come back! I forgive you! I can't stand the silence! I miss the rattling of recycling bins and the unearthly screams. God I miss the screams. They were ultimately comforting, but you never realize things like that until they're gone.

So, I know I was mean, and said a lot of stuff but it was probably just the booze and medication talking. You see, we humans have very complex lives and sometimes (most of the time) we say things we don't exactly mean, only to suffer the consequences later.

Rocky, if you come back, I'll make sure not to completely empty the soup cans before I put them out. And maybe I'll even buy some sardines! You love sardines I bet! So...like...uh...what do you think?

Rocky. Really.  Don't make me beg. I long to once again hear your insane growly noises at 2am.

I miss you is what I'm saying.

Signed,
Ed Kaz
Lonely in Shell Pile

  Hey listen you, "Rocky" or whatever the heck your name is. There's nothing cute about you. I don't like the hours you keep or your eating habits. You are not someone I would ever consider a friend. So why did you pick my backyard to chill out? Huh?

The last FIVE NIGHTS in a row, you thought it would be really cool to make ridiculous and uncalled-for prehistoric growly noises under my window at 3:30 AM. And why were you making these stupid sounds? Over a little sliver of left over soup in a can in the recycling bin. Well, listen up, "Rocky." As of right now, you are ON NOTICE.

And not for nuthin' but don't forget that we live in New Jersey and there are several ways that you can mysteriously disappear. Trust me. No one will miss you and your cute little growly noises.

Consider this a friendly warning.

Signed,
Ed Kaz
Sleepless in Shell Pile

From Friday's Asbury Park Press...

MAX DOLCELLI: MAKING WAVES
By Ed Kaz !
Comedy Correspondent

Max Dolcelli works cruise ships. In his estimation, he's out at sea twenty to twenty-five weeks a year. Cruise-comedy is lucrative, but it takes a whole lot of discipline: Don't anger the audience, because there's no escape. "You have to work very clean--in-front-of-children-clean--and still be funny," says Dolcelli, who adds, "I like to work both clubs and ships. Clubs allow me to get loose." Dolcelli promises to get loose this weekend when he weighs anchor at Princeton's Catch A Rising Star.

Back in the '80s I worked as an editor at a nutty TV station called U68 in Newark N.J.

If we learned anything from the experience it was this:

Musicians and PSAs don't mix. 

In honor of Mother's Day, I've collected together some famous quotations courtesy of some famous moms.

QUASIMODO'S MOM:
"Will you PLEASE sit up straight?  You're going to ruin your posture!"

WILLIAM SHATNER'S MOM:
"If you don't finish your vegetables I'll send you where no boy has gone before."

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S MOM:
"Remember: As long as you are living in THIS house, I'M the boss."

NAPOLEON XIV'S MOM:
"Will you kindly stop invading your little sister's room and get ready for school?"

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S MOM:
"Come on, little Neil!  Take one small step for mommy!"

RONALD MCDONALD'S MOM:
"Quit clowning around and finish your fries!"

MOE HOWARD'S MOM:
"I'm warning you. Put away that crowbar before you poke someone's eye out!"

NOSTRADAMUS'S MOM:
"You think you're smart huh?  Well PREDICT THIS:  You're grounded for a week."

BOB BARKER'S MOM:
"Oh Bobby!  Breakfast is ready.  Come on down!"

                                                                    ----Ed Kaz

out·let
n. A receptacle, especially one mounted in a wall, that is connected to a power supply and equipped with a socket for a plug.

I'm thinking about modernizing my home.  

The first step will be to dismantle all the gas generators and eventually shut off the propane and start thinking about getting electricity.  Problem is, someone told me that when you get electricity you need to get wall outlets.  Lots and lots of expensive wall outlets.  I knew not where to get these things. 

Until I heard about the outlet mall.

It's called Jackson Outlet Village and it's located in Jackson, New Jersey.  The town is home to the famous Six Flags Great Adventure.  It's also home to a crazy woman who kept a bunch of Bengal Tigers on her property, but I digress.  My daughter and I arrived early and joined the sea of soccer moms who seemed to be shopping and simultaneously dropping all over the place.  This explained all those strategically-placed paramedic stations.

Here's my daughter walking about the fine cemented passageways that were provided for foot-transportation from one store to another.


Here's an example of some of the fine clothing you can purchase at the outlet mall.  Apparently, this is from the Debbie Reynolds line of leisurewear.

There was lots of other stuff too:  Shoes, pants, more shoes, plates, sneakers, forks, and even more pants.  One could feel a kind of electricity in the air.  Yet, incredibly there was not one single electrical outlet to be found.  How the heck could a place called Jackson Outlet Mall not be selling outlets?  I needed answers.

With great resolve, I marched into a store called "Tommy Hilfiger" and demanded that this Mr. Hilfiger come out at once and explain to me why nobody was selling wall outlets.  A man told me that he was "out of town" and began to talk real fast into a walkie-talkie.  He seemed sort of busy so I left.

As my day at Jackson Outlet Village concluded I stumbled across a glimmer of hope...

Will this finally be the store of my dreams?  My fingers are crossed.

On the ride home I passed a sign that seemed to mock me.

So, until I'm able to find some bargain-priced electrical outlets I'll just have to make do with my propane-powered computer.  Sure, it takes longer for stuff to load up, but that makes me appreciate it that much more. 

Plus, the fumes are a nice bonus.

                                                                    ----Ed Kaz

Asbury Park's legendary Convention Hall as viewed from the beach. 10.17.08 

Filmed in KAZ-O-VISION®
"Dark and Seedy"