September 13, 2009

September 11, 2009

  • THIS JUST IN:

    CNN is reporting:

     

    The term for an older woman who hits on younger men has been officially changed to "Mellencamp."

                                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

September 10, 2009

  • CNN is reporting:

    Joe Wilson says he yelled out "You Lie!" during Obama's address last night because he was watching a soap on his iPhone.


                                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

September 8, 2009

September 2, 2009

  • What happens when you die?

    When you die you go to a light. 

    At the light, take a left.  Go about three miles.  You'll pass a gas station on the right. Take the NEXT light and a quick left. You'll see a sign for Pearly Gates directly in front of you.  Do not--I repeat--DO NOT take the offramp immediately before it.  If you do, make sure you have some Bactine on you.

                                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

August 26, 2009

August 21, 2009

  • "...you'd want to kill yourself, or Meatloaf."

    Here's my Comedy Column from Friday's Asbury Park Press...


    HIS BIGGEST FAN
    By Ed Kaz !
    Comedy Correspondent

    John DelVecchio is funny.  Know how I know?  He told me.

     "I find me hysterical," explained the twenty-year comic veteran.  "I could listen to me all day, and I do.  I would hate to not be  funny or interesting and have to listen to myself all day.  It would be like having a radio on that only played Meatloaf all day; you'd want to kill yourself, or Meatloaf." 

    Even though he realizes you'd like much more, DelVecchio will be hysterical for an hour or so at Princeton's Catch A Rising Star this Saturday Night.

    KAZ!:  John, how'd you get so funny?
         
    DELVECCHIO:   I was very fortunate to be born with a big nose, no athletic abilities, and a large vernacular.  It was either be funny or become the next Unabomber or a guy who the only interaction he has with women is when he is saying things like "It will put the lotion back in the basket,"  or "Are you a size 14?"

    KAZ!:  Why do some people feel the need to become comedians anyway?
         
    DELVECCHIO:   It's a good excuse for no career.  If a regular guy is forty-four with no regular income then he is a loser, but if you're forty-four with no job but a comedi    an then you're a starving artist who is dedicated to his craft, and a loser.

    KAZ!:  What's the weirdest opening act experience you've ever had?
         
    DELVECCHIO:   A guy riding a toilet.  He also booked the room .  Sadly he got a standing ovation and I just got sad.

    KAZ!:  Do people make you tell jokes when you're not onstage?  Like at a funeral or in line at the WalMart?
    DELVECCHIO:   People in general are annoying when they find out I am a comic.  So rather than tell jokes I tell them I am a Jehovah's Witness and would they like a copy of the Tower.   This normally makes them go away.
         
    KAZ!:  Do you find that women treat you differently because you're a comedian?
         
    DELVECCHIO:   With the exception of my wife all women have always treated me the same way:  Poorly.

    KAZ!:  What's next for John DelVecchio?
         
    DELVECCHIO:   A nap.  This is the most work I have done in years.

    Have a great weekend and please remember to laugh responsibly.

    AsburyKaz@aol.com

    JOHN DELVECCHIO
    with  Elaine Williams and Steve Trevelise
    Saturday Night
    Catch a Rising Star Princeton
    Located at the Hyatt Regency,
    102 Carnegie Center, Princeton.
    Showtimes
    Saturday  7:30 & 9:30pm  $19.99
    Call (609) 987-8018
    www.catcharisingstar.com
     
     

August 18, 2009

  • My First Time

    Now that we're all finished reflecting upon the True Meaning of Woodstock, I'd like to tell you what I was doing in the summer of '69.

    --------------------------

    I'm going to come clean here because if I'm about anything, it's full disclosure.

    I want to talk about music.
    Concerts in particular.
    The very first concert I ever attended.

    My very first concert was...uh...OK OK..Let's get this over with.

    The first live show I ever attended was Glen Campbell.

    Yeah, you heard me: Glen Campbell! G-L-E-N C-A-M-P-B-E-L-L.

    [pause for derisive laughter]

    Aw come on! We're talking 1969 and I was like 13-years-old. My sister took me. It was the summer of Woodstock and the Man on the Moon and I was sitting on a lawn chair at the Garden State Arts Center drinkin' Pepsi Cola and tappin' my PF Flyers to the Wichita Lineman himself.

    And guess what? I had a great time. This was before I had to pretend to be cool. A couple years later, of course, I was in total denial: "First concert? Tull at the Garden, man."

    But here it is--2009--and I'm reassessing the situation. It is actually kind of cool that Glen Campbell was my first, because he was, and still is, a great performer and an incredible guitarist (when he's not swerving in his SUV, that is). I'll even get a little blasphemous here and say that he can play rings around Jimmy Page, because he can, and Page knows it too. Campbell was the go-to guy for recording sessions in the 60's, playing on dates with Spector, Sinatra, and The Beach Boys. Heck, when Brian Wilson famously flipped out Campbell became a Beach Boy and hit the road with them, just like that. Remarkable.

    I have fond memories of that hot Jersey night in '69: There was a big brassy orchestra behind him. He did a kick-ass guitar solo on George Jones' White Lightnin.' He led the audience in a singalong: "OK! This side: YA'LL COME! Now this side! YA'LL COME!" And--most memorable of all--Glen Campbell had the most serious head of hair I ever laid eyes on; there was a breeze but it didn't budge. Some kind of miracle, I tell you.

    That night he performed Galveston and By the Time I Get to Phoenix and Gentle On My Mind--sounding just like the records (I was the proud owner of the Wichita Lineman 45). Admit it: Those were some of the finest pop songs of the era.

    So yeah, Glen Campbell was my first.

    Oh, and you're still laughing? OK, so what was YOUR first concert? Anne Murray?

    'FESS UP.

                                                                              -----Ed Kaz

    Don't take the brown rhinestones, man!

August 14, 2009

  • "Few people hate him!"

    My column from Friday's Asbury Park Press

    MOODY Q's
    By Ed Kaz!
    Comedy Correspondent
     
    "I thought I was funny when I was twelve." says Moody McCarthy     ,  "That peaked at twenty-five.  Then I started doing stand up and I think I'm less funny every year."   That positive attitude toward his craft has kept McCarthy in the forefront of the newest generation of comics.  Logging appearances on "Last Comic Standing" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live,"  the Syracuse native has what it takes to make it to the next level of stardom, regardless of what HE thinks.  His bio sums it up:  "Moody McCarthy: Few people hate him!"

    KAZ!:  Moody, could you please explain the origins of your wonderfully unique and enigmatic first name?   

    McCARTHY:  The real story: My older brothers made it up when we were tykes and it stuck for no apparent reason.  The fake story: I shot a man in a bar fight when I was six.

    KAZ!:  You have been an opening act for many of the greats including Wanda Sykes and Bobcat Goldthwait.  Got any opening act nightmares you'd like to share with us?

    McCARTHY:  I opened for Sommore: "The Def Jam Diva."  Me and two other white dudes were mistakenly billed on the show.  My only joke that got a laugh: "Tonight is like a camp treat:  If you want 'Smores, first you need crackers."
     
    KAZ!:  Do you remember the very first joke you ever told on stage?
     
    McCARTHY:  It was about failing out of college.  Pretty weak joke, but I still do it if I have to a long set in front of young'uns.
     
    KAZ!:  What is the worst ever comedy club restroom you've had to endure?

    McCARTHY:  The entire Lower East Side of Manhattan is one big abandoned Sunoco.
     
    KAZ!:  Addams Family or Munsters?  

    McCARTHY:  That question lacked a verb. 

    KAZ!:  What's the last thing that passes through your mind before you go on stage?

    McCARTHY:  Why didn't I avoid milk today...
     
    KAZ!:  If you weren't doing comedy, what the heck WOULD you be doing?
     
    McCARTHY:  I'd be a mediocre guitarist.

    ----------------
    Have a great weekend and please remember to laugh responsibly.

    AsburyKaz@aol.com
     
    MOODY McCARTHY
    with Jerry Torres and Steve Trevelise
    Saturday
    Catch a Rising Star Princeton
    Located at the Hyatt Regency,
    102 Carnegie Center, Princeton.
    Showtimes
     7:30& 9:30pm  $19.99
    Call (609) 987-8018
    www.catcharisingstar.com
     

August 7, 2009

  • "I hated the Beatles..."

    Back in 2000 I had an exciting assignment: Interview Frank Sinatra Jr! I was really looking forward to it...that is, until the phone rang and I said hello. About a minute in I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for my mommy. Here's the article as it appeared in the Asbury Park Press on Sunday, May 14th, 2000.

    HERE COMES THE SON
    By Ed Kaz !
    Correspondent

    Be careful what you ask Frank Sinatra Jr.--he just might give you an answer. Sinatra, who is performing in Atlantic City on the two-year anniversary of his father's death, is not exactly what you'd call an easy interview. In fact, after about ten minutes it became easy to understand why his kidnappers threw him back. Read on, if you dare.

    KAZ: What can the audience expect when they see you at the Sands?

    SINATRA JR: Oh, I think they'll probably see the same kind of thing that we always give them. They want to hang on to their Sinatra music, which they love so very much. And we give it to them, along with some of the stories as to where some of the songs came from.

    KAZ: And what kind of band do you have?

    SINATRA JR: It won't be a band. It'll be an orchestra.

    KAZ: An orchestra! Listen to me...I'm talking like it's going to be a rock 'n' roll show or something. You have to call it an orchestra. Right?

    SINATRA JR: A band has only horns. An orchestra has the strings.

    KAZ: OK. So, what was it like growing up in the sixties?

    SINATRA JR: I hated the sixties.

    KAZ: Did you?

    SINATRA JR: The sixties was the sickest period of time that I've ever lived through. I hated the whole decade.

    KAZ: Really? You couldn't wait for it to end, eh?

    SINATRA JR: I've said it a million times. The only good thing that came out of the sixties was Star Trek.

    KAZ: What about The Beatles?

    SINATRA JR: I hated The Beatles.

    KAZ: Really!

    SINATRA JR: I hated everything The Beatles stood for.

    KAZ: Wow.

    SINATRA JR: Because they hated everybody.

    KAZ: Wow. OK. I always kind of wondered what you thought about the sixties, you know?

    SINATRA JR: Well I don't know why you were curious as to what I thought about them.

    KAZ: Well, because I always felt like you were in a certain type of...

    SINATRA JR: Well I always felt bad, that the first thing that happened that brought about our plunge into such depths was when the president of the United States was murdered. After that it was all downhill, because it just threw everybody into a tailspin, and it was below the surface. It wasn't where everybody couild take a real good look at it. But inside it really spiraled everyone down, and it hurt. And at that particular point in time there were people going around promoting the extensive use of narcotics. All the Timothy Learys and the people like that. And of course all the *ssh*le rock 'n' roll groups.

    KAZ: Uh huh.

    SINATRA JR: The Lovin' Spoonful and The Mamas and the Papas and...

    KAZ: So you don't like any of those guys, huh.

    SINATRA JR: No. I'm afraid not, because they were promoting LSD and things like that and a whole lot of people died using that stuff.

    KAZ: So, is there anybody of the modern era that you like?

    SINATRA JR: Oh Jesus, yes!

    KAZ: Like who?

    SINATRA JR: We got some people around right now. We got Diana Krall. She's a killer! She is just wonderful. I like that Big Bad Voodoo Daddy band.

    KAZ: Oh yeah?

    SINATRA JR: Yeah.

    KAZ: They do that kind of swing stuff.

    SINATRA JR: They play real music with real instruments. That's something quite unusual.

    KAZ: What do you think about the other guy from Jersey: Mr. Springsteen?

    SINATRA JR: I'd rather not.

    KAZ: He was very nice to your dad at his 80th birthday special (on ABC-TV).

    SINATRA JR: Oh yes. He was.

    KAZ: He did a pretty nice version of...

    SINATRA JR: He massacred a great Matt Dennis song called "Angel Eyes."

    KAZ: Really? You thought he massacred it?

    SINATRA JR: Absolutely massacred it.

    KAZ: I thought he did a nice folk version of it.

    SINATRA JR: Well fine. That's great. If you were a songwriter would you want somebody to destroy your song and say it was a folk version?

    KAZ: So, you didn't like the way he did it, I guess.

    SINATRA JR: No. I'm afraid not. He should stay in his own idiom.

    Copyright 2000 Asbury Park Press