Month: February 2016

  • THE RIGHT TO BEAR SPAMS. Catching up with the militia guys in Oregon

    By Ed Kaz

    Armed anti-government protesters have taken over a building in a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon, accusing officials of unfairly punishing ranchers who refused to sell their land.
    Sources have leaked a transcript of conversations being held inside the building:
    FIFTEEN MINUTES IN:
    We’re sending a powerful message! Restore our constitutional rights!
    Yeah! We’ll show ‘em!
    THIRTY FIVE MINUTES IN:
    I thought you said this would be over before supper?
    Don’t sweat it. I have some cans of Spam to tide us over.
    THREE HOURS IN:
    I really like your Carhartt jacket. It’s just like mine. Where’d you get it?
    Same place as you.
    Oh yeah I forgot. It’s nice though. Great color.
    Yeah. Brown. Like yours.
    I really really like it.
    FOUR AND A HALF HOURS IN:
    Damn I miss my truck. Anyone got some cans we can shoot?
    How about these empty Spam cans?
    Hell yeah!
    [BLAM!] [BLAM!]
    TWENTY FOUR HOURS IN:
    Someone should order out for some deodorant and more cans of Spam, no?
    THIRTY SEVEN HOURS IN:
    Ya know it would have been nice if the toilet worked in this stupid building.
    Hey! Idea! We can use the cans of Spam!
    We shot ‘em full of holes, remember?
    Damn.
    FIFTY THREE HOURS IN:
    I HATE LOOKING AT YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMN CARHARTT JACKET.
    But it’s just like yours, remember?
    SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.
    Hey look! They’re delivering more Spam.
    Sorry Hank. I’ll be more civil once I’ve eaten.
    DON’T FORGET TO SAVE THE CANS!
    TO BE CONTINUED....

  • PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL ANNOUNCES BOYCOTT OF GROUNDHOG DAY APPEARANCE

    By Ed Kaz Amalgamated Press

    Punxsutawney (AP)

    Punxsutawney Phil announced Thursday that he would not participate in the upcoming Groundhog Day event scheduled for February 2nd, escalating his off-and-on feud with Meerkat Kelly and throwing the future of spring prediction into turmoil.

    “I refuse to come out of my hole as long as Meerkat Kelly is there,” said an agitated Phil on a call-in talk radio program this morning.

    Yesterday the famed marmot tweeted “I refuse to call Meerkat Kelly a bimbo, because that would not be politically correct. Instead I will only call her a lightweight mongoose!”

    Meerkat Kelly had recently raised the ire of Punxsutawney Phil after calling him out on his disparaging comments about meerkats’ burrowing habits.

    Phil says he has scheduled a petting zoo event in Pittsburgh to counter the festival.

    "Talk to the paw!"