September 8, 2012

• NO EASY DAY: The firsthand account of the mission that killed Osama Bin Cricket

  
  

  8:59 AM

  I'm in the basement office attempting to pay bills and possibly figure out next week's column, but there's a cricket in my midst.  He's about five feet away. He will not stop making cricket noises.

   

  9:02 AM

  Annoyed and distracted, I begin to crawl around on the floor in search [Note to self: Try to sweep this floor sometime before decade is out]. Sounds as if he's under the radiator. Begin to bang on the radiator.  Hidden cricket rubs legs together in defiance. I feel around under the radiator [Note to self:  See previous note to self]. CANNOT LOCATE  PERPETRATOR.

   

  9:06 AM

  Decision made: Drastic measures need to be taken.  Consult with my upstairs cabinet.  Cabinet advises taking the yellow can of "Flying Insect Killer" out and using it to dispatch the perpetrator.  I make the argument that "Crickets don't fly!"  Cabinet responds with "Screw the details. Shut up and use it."  

   

  9:09 AM

  I reenter basement. Begin to spray the toxic (but lemony fresh!) substance liberally on radiator in direction of cricket sound. PERPETRATOR IS CRAWLING OUT!  He's trying to make a getaway!  Immediately I respond by SPRAYING ABOUT A HALF A CAN'S WORTH of toxic (but lemony fresh!) "Flying Insect Killer" on the fugitive.    

   

   

  EPILOGUE: 

  It's 9:12 AM.  All quiet the basement front.  The cricket has been dispatched.  

   

  I feel woozy.

  

                                                                                   ---- Ed Kaz

                   

  • 9:40 am
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