July 4, 2012

  • UNDECLARED! A letter to England from America

    Dear England,

    Hi! So like uh...how've you been?  A while since we've been talked, huh?  Well, I know you haven't heard from us much lately and I suppose we could give you a million excuses...but let's get to the point.

    Can you please take us back?

    This "grand experiment" in democracy sort of didn't work.  I guess you saw in the papers that we messed up a few things. And really, we didn't even WANT to be independent; it was just a big misunderstanding on both sides.

    That tea party in Boston?  Some dumb kids playing Village People dress-up with way too much free time.  You know how kids are.  Believe you me, they got yelled at and grounded for two weeks.  Won't happen again.

    That Declaration of Independence document?  It was a joke!  Can't believe you took us seriously.  Jefferson was scribbling down some thoughts about his marital problems and that nutty Ben Franklin started adding stuff to it and passing it around.  We had NO IDEA that you got copied and we don't blame you for being miffed.

    And before you could say Ted Nugent, the musket-and-powder freaks were starting militias all over the place and started shooting at you guys and you started shooting back and, well, everything just went haywire.

    You ended up setting us free and we looked at each other and went HUH?  We started a lot of silly in-fighting (See: Civil War), bullied a lot of other countries (See: every other war), and screwed up our economy (See: Fox News for whom to blame).

    But really England, it's always been pretty self-evident that we've missed you.  Don't know if you've noticed, but everything we do has an English subtext: Royal Crown Cola, Royal Pudding, English Muffins, Snapple Tea.  We have king and queen size beds and Prince and Queen Latifah and Larry King.

    You were right. The whole monarchy thing is a much cooler idea. Elections are such a drag. All you guys do is chop off a few heads and the problem is solved.

    We'll behave this time.  Promise!  And it'll be easy to own us; we still speak the same language (well except for those kids on MTV and those guys on The Wire but that's just acting!).  We miss being a part of you.  Hell you can even tax us without representation; we're kind of used to that anyway.

    So, England, we're ready to come back.  Hope you can at least think it over.  We miss you and we'll even trade you some bagels for some crumpets.  God do we miss the crumpets.

    Sincerely,

    America

    PS: Oh and did we mention that we are HUGE Clive Owen fans?

                                                                     ---- Ed Kaz

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