Well, I figured I'd better type some sort of thing in here so that Xanga knows I'm still in existence. I remember when blogging was part of my daily routine. Those were the days my friend. Then I got busy. WAY busy. Too busy to even tweet. OK, I tweet, but I don't use all the characters, that would be excessive.
Anyway, I love you guys. See ya soon!
Peace
Kaz
NEW YORK--Abe Vigoda, the actor whose career ranged from The Godfather to Barney Miller, has been discovered alive in his Upper-East Side apartment this morning. According to AP, at 8:31 am, Vigoda’s body was found breathing, sitting up, eating a spinach knish, and watching ESPN.
A source close to the actor says no service is planned. The source quotes Vigoda as saying, “Because I’m still f**king alive! Can I finish my f**cking knish now?”
Now here it is, July, and the company finally got around to thinking about paying me. But there's a catch: "You must fax us your invoice with your work order or you will not be paid." Huh? FAX? People still use those things? Well, OK. I like money, so I'll do what they say. It was then that I realized something: I DON'T HAVE A FAX MACHINE. So I hopped in my car and drove to the place where I once had to send a fax about eight years ago. The place...was shuttered. OK then. I'm guessing they have a faxing service at Staples, right? Resolutely, I gunned my motor and took off up the highway. I pulled into the Staples parking lot and, clutching my invoice, I entered. The clerk greeted me with a bemused snicker and pointed me down a long dank dusty hallway. As I started my walk I heard a voice behind me mumbling something like "Nobody goes THERE anymore," followed by yet another snicker. Stepping over milk crates and around decayed cigar stubs, I finally reached the end of the hall. There was a gray rusty metal door illuminated by a dangling 40-watt light bulb. On the door was a blue index card dangling by one strand of yellowed tape. It said "FAX ROOM." I took a deep breath. I turned the doorknob. Immediately I heard what sounded like an AM radio station playing "beautiful music" through a whole lot of static. Then I saw him: An old man, bathed in half-light, seated at a bare card table in a far corner. He was wearing a tattered green SPEEDEE PRINT & FAX SERVICE smock. He looked up, annoyed. He beckoned me closer. Wordlessly, the old man snatched the invoice from my (by now, sweating) hand and, letting off a great wheeze, he began the complicated face-down-dial-one-first process known as "faxing." A half-hour later I was holding a mimeographed copy of something called a "confirmation." The old man assured me the fax probably went through, but he "couldn't guarantee nuthin'. This contraption hain't been used since someone sent a congratulations fax to Rick Springfield for his number one record." With that, the old man spit some tobacco on the floor and shooed me away. I sure hope that fax went through. I'd hate like heck to have to go back there. Maybe I should just forget about the money. I did some freelance work back in March.
----- Ed Kaz
I played hooky from work Thursday.
It was the perfect opportunity for me to take off in my car and visit some of my favorite Monmouth County haunts. A place that I absolutely love is Englishtown Antiques. Formerly a supermarket, it's now filled top to bottom with old furniture, magazines, records, dishes, vintage clothing and bric a brac of every kind. Englishtown Antiques is the kind of place where you have to be careful what you touch or you'll cause an avalanche. In other words, my kind of place.
As I carefully made my way down the aisles I came across an old Colorforms set (Remember Colorforms? Do they even still make them?). When I opened the box there was a wonderful image inside--an image that was just begging to be altered to suit my own sinister comedic purposes.
STEP ONE: 
Here's how it looked in its raw state.
Since I had to shoot it on the sly I was unable
to lose the glare from the overhead fluorescent.
No problem! I'll just "fix it in post" as we say in the biz.
STEP TWO:
In Photoshop I was able to replace the glare with
samples of color from other parts of the picture.
It's not perfect, but who needs perfection when
you're just havin' fun? Right?
STEP THREE: 
Next I took my airbrush tool and got rid of
the words "LIFT HERE." I think The Mouse
had something else to say.
STEP FOUR:
Bad Mickey! Jesus. How does Minnie put up
with this over-medicated rodent anyway?
STEP FIVE:
Dear Ed Kaz:
It has come to our attention that you have made an unauthorized use of our
copyrighted work entitled "Mickey Mouse."
We believe you have willfully infringed our rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq.
and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein.
We demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works, and all copies, including electronic copies, of same, that you deliver to us, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies of same, or destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of our rights in the future. If we have not received an affirmative response from you by May 14, 2007 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, we shall take further action against you.
Very truly yours,
The Walt Disney Company
Wow. I guess it is a small world after all ...
----- Ed Kaz
ANTHONY WEINER ANNOUNCES NEW POLITICAL PARTY
Says his recent penis-tweeting was just “part of the announcement.” Declares scandal "OVER!"
By Ed Kaz / Amalgamated Press
[NEW YORK CITY] In a press conference yesterday at the New York Hilton, Brooklyn Queens representative Anthony Weiner announced that he is exiting the Democratic Party in order to form the new American Penis-Tweet Party. “It is important, né essential, that all male Americans have their penis tweeted on a regular basis.” Weiner went on to note that anyone receiving a penis-tweet should examine the penis carefully to determine any abnormalities. “The penis has never had a political voice and needs to be heard and seen," asserted the representative, "It cannot be held down any longer.”
When asked about his own penis-tweets of last month, Weiner called them “premature” and that he had meant to tweet them after the announcement of the new party. “Bad timing, pure and simple; they came too early,” said the representative, standing straight and resolute at his podium. “It was a clerical mix up. My penis-tweet was to occur afterward. Boy I'm sure glad we cleared this up. SCANDAL OVER!
Weiner closed out the conference by saying his new American Penis-Tweet Party is for those Americans who feel disenchanted and "limp" from all the Tea Party’s rhetoric. “I call on all Americans to join The American Penis-Tweet Party. Stand tall and be counted. God Bless America.”
----- Ed Kaz
I love Chinese restaurants.
They know why you come there, and it's certainly not for the decor.
The temperature is generally 120 degrees year round, but its OK because there's always a huge fan blowing napkins and straws and unknown particles everywhere. Recipes are stuck to benches with sweet and sour sauce and there are always two little kids with a stack of books, playing video games at a table. Newspapers are provided while you wait (in Mandarin Chinese; that's the easier one). The ordering microphone is set to 8,000 decibels and the cooks are two feet behind her.
After about a three-and-a-half minute wait, the order is shoved into your hands, stapled in a tight brown bag. You then stumble over the other patrons and the video game kids, step around the fan, unstick your foot from the sweet and sour sauce packet on the floor, and look at your receipt:
"THANK YOU. HAPPY UTOPIA FUN PALACE"
--- Ed Kaz
Another KAZ-O-VISION® World Xanga Premiere!
IN THE NEWS: Beach Boys to reunite for a Ronald Reagan tribute concert.
Talk about a dicey occasion for a Beach Boys reunion. But let's face it: They've made bizarre career choices their entire career, so why should this be any different?
I guess what I'm saying is this creeps me out.
At this late date do we even NEED a Beach Boys reunion? Dennis and Carl Wilson are long gone, so what exactly is this? It's Mike Love finally allowing Al Jardine back into the fold? And as for Brian Wilson, he just shows up. What about Bruce Johnston? He’s always just happy to be there, happy to be anywhere. I’d like to think that if Carl was still with us, he would conscientiously object.
Of course, we know The Beach Boys owe a certain "debt" to Reagan because he intervened and let them play on the Great Lawn when Interior Secretary James Watt thought they were an evil influence on youth. [pause for laughter] The Gipper also pulled a few presidential strings and allowed them to legally toss Dennis' ashes into the ocean. So you could say this is not a political statement, but one of friendship.
However this comes out, I will not allow this “Reunion for Reagan” to trickle down and besmirch my love of Beach Boys music. Remember, we looked the other way with Manson and Stamos, and this event actually pales in comparison.
In any event, I'll do what I always do: Put on Pet Sounds and forget about everything.
---- Ed Kaz
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