Dear England,

Hi! So like uh...how've you been?  A while since we've been talked, huh?  Well, I know you haven't heard from us much lately and I suppose we could give you a million excuses...but let's get to the point.

Can you please take us back?

This "grand experiment" in democracy sort of didn't work.  I guess you saw in the papers that we messed up a few things. And really, we didn't even WANT to be independent; it was just a big misunderstanding on both sides.

That tea party in Boston?  Some dumb kids playing Village People dress-up with way too much free time.  You know how kids are.  Believe you me, they got yelled at and grounded for two weeks.  Won't happen again.

That Declaration of Independence document?  It was a joke!  Can't believe you took us seriously.  Jefferson was scribbling down some thoughts about his marital problems and that nutty Ben Franklin started adding stuff to it and passing it around.  We had NO IDEA that you got copied and we don't blame you for being miffed.

And before you could say Ted Nugent, the musket-and-powder freaks were starting militias all over the place and started shooting at you guys and you started shooting back and, well, everything just went haywire.

You ended up setting us free and we looked at each other and went HUH?  We started a lot of silly in-fighting (See: Civil War), bullied a lot of other countries (See: every other war), and screwed up our economy (See: Fox News for whom to blame).

But really England, it's always been pretty self-evident that we've missed you.  Don't know if you've noticed, but everything we do has an English subtext: Royal Crown Cola, Royal Pudding, English Muffins, Snapple Tea.  We have king and queen size beds and Prince and Queen Latifah and Larry King.

You were right. The whole monarchy thing is a much cooler idea. Elections are such a drag. All you guys do is chop off a few heads and the problem is solved.

We'll behave this time.  Promise!  And it'll be easy to own us; we still speak the same language (well except for those kids on MTV and those guys on The Wire but that's just acting!).  We miss being a part of you.  Hell you can even tax us without representation; we're kind of used to that anyway.

So, England, we're ready to come back.  Hope you can at least think it over.  We miss you and we'll even trade you some bagels for some crumpets.  God do we miss the crumpets.

Sincerely,

America

PS: Oh and did we mention that we are HUGE Clive Owen fans?

                                                                 ---- Ed Kaz

Two or three energetic and self-motivated Vandellas for summer temp position. Candidates must be willing to relocate to Philadelphia, Baltimore and DC. Don't forget the Motor City. Reflective gownwear required.

                                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

FW: Your Police Record
[Excuse me, but the only one of theirs I ever owned was on cassette and it's long gone, thankfully.]

Banca Transilvania AtentiepBT 24 Va Infomeaza!
["Banca Transilvania?" I get it! A blood bank! Who says spammers don't have a sense of humor?]

Your FREE Trial is Waiting for You!
[Oh nice! Whenever I get around to committing a heinous act I can redeem this.]

THANKS SPAM!

                                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

CNN IS REPORTING:

A blind mime group has sued the  Department of Homeland Security claiming the "If you see something say something" campaign is exclusionary.

A spokesman for the group could not be reached for comment.

                                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

TRY JOAN RIVERS LEG MAKEUP GET 2 FOR THE PRICE OF 1
[Well, good. I still have two legs]

REVEALED: YOUR SECRET ADMIRER
[Probably another Croatian widow. She could probably make good use of the Joan Rivers Leg Makeup]

LEARN ANY FOREIGN LANGUAGE IN 10 DAYS
[Great. I will learn how to say "Darling, I bought you some Joan Rivers Leg Makeup." in Croatian]

THANKS SPAM!

                                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

This article ran in Friday's Asbury Park Press.

ANOTHER FINE MESS
Laurel and Hardy's timeless comedy captured on new DVD set
By Ed Kaz !
Comedy Correspondent

When I was growing up in central New Jersey, there were maybe three and a half TV stations; not much of an entertainment choice in the pre-Internet era.  I’d arise very early with hopes of catching the cartoon “Crusader Rabbit” or perhaps even “The Modern Farmer” (I learned a lot about growing beets back then; maybe I missed my vocation).  On Saturday they'd run Abbott and Costello movies at noon on Channel 11, while the Bowery Boys ruled the airwaves on Channel 5 every Sunday.  And if you were a Chuck McCann fan (and who wasn’t?), his program regularly featured the films of Laurel and Hardy.

Laurel and Hardy, bless their souls.  They practically invented what we now call "situation comedy."  Clearly, without them there'd be no Honeymooners(think: Kramden and Norton), and no Seinfeld (think: Kramer and Newman).  HBO's "Bored to Death" would be literally that if not for the spiritual guidance of Stan and Ollie.  “Laurel and Hardy, that’s almost beautiful,” comedian Steven Wright told me a few years back. “Their characters are so much more likeable and almost like out of a Dickens thing in a way;  really funny but also very touching," said Wright.  "There’s like a sympathy to them.”



Indeed, Laurel and Hardy took the mindless slapstick of early cinema comedy and gave it a big ol’ heart.  They’d play it broad and they’d play it subtle--often at the same time--and that’s why they’re still funny today.  It would take many pages of intellectual discourse to explain the appeal of this derby-domed duo, but all you really need to do is watch “Sons of the Desert” from the brand new DVD “Laurel and Hardy: The Essential Collection.”  Here, all the elements of sitcom are in place: Stan and Ollie want to attend their fraternal organization’s convention in Chicago without their wives, so they construct an elaborate deception involving Ollie being sick and needing to go with Stan (alone of course) to Hawaii to recuperate.  Of course, the ship they are supposed to be on sinks.  Talk about “another fine mess.”  How ever will they get themselves out of this pickle?  Oh, and did I mention that Stan's wife owns a shotgun?

And "Sons of the Desert" is just one example.  Dozens of Laurel and Hardy’s perfectly executed comic “short subjects” and feature films from the 20s and 30s are beautifully preserved on this 10 DVD set.  If you want to know where all the good modern comedy comes from, this is surely the place to start.

                                                                                                  ---- Ed Kaz

DVD:

LAUREL AND HARDY: THE ESSENTIAL COLLECTION

RHI Entertainment

Available in stores and online

List Price: $99.98

$65.99 on Amazon.com

www.laurel-and-hardy.com

This is dedicated to my neighbor.  I hope he has a very happy holiday...

Cheers, you.

So sad to learn of the passing of Andy Rooney this morning.  It made me suddenly recall my special encounter with the TV legend back in 2001.

I used to work for a show called "Iyanla."  Their office was located directly above the 60 Minutes offices on 57th Street.  One crisp September morning as I walked toward the building I spied a small camera crew.  Curious, I moved closer and spotted a small man at the center of the activity. It was Andy Rooney, interviewing passers-by. His idea of a remote shoot was to place one foot out the door.

Rooney looked up at me and inquired, "When was the last time you took a bath?"  The camera and boom mic swung quickly in my direction.  

"I took a shower this morning." 

His eyebrows straightened resolutely. "No. A BATH."

At that moment my TV instincts kicked in.  The fact that I've been editing TV for over ten years at that point certainly helped. 

Oh!  I know what he's looking for.

I looked directly into his eyes and said, "Last bath I had, I was about seven years old.  My mother gave it to me before church."

Then I took a TV pause, and delivered the line I knew Rooney wanted:

"I HATE baths."

With that, he smiled widely. "Thank you!  We got it!"  The crew immediately shut down their equipment and a very happy Andy Rooney almost skipped with delight back into the warm lobby.

Sure enough, about two weeks later I tuned in 60 Minutes and there he was, whining his trademark whine.  Bath-taking versus shower-taking.  Standard-issue Andy.

"We went out and asked people if they take baths."

The montage of bites ran by, and of course, I was granted the punchline:  "I HATE baths."

Cut back to Andy and off he went.

I'm so proud I seized my moment and was, for a few fleeting seconds, a contributor to 60 Minutes. 

I'm also happy I gave Andy Rooney what he needed so he could get the hell back into his office and finish his coffee.

#andyrooney

                                                                               ----- Ed Kaz

 Gotta give those folks at Kelloggs and General Foods credit. They're always trying to come up with great new breakfast cereals for the world to enjoy. 

Sometimes though, they don't quite hit the mark.

From the Home Office in Shell Pile New Jersey...

TOP TEN PROPOSED AND REJECTED BREAKFAST CEREALS:

[Drum Roll]

10. Beerios

9. Frosted Asbestos Wheats

8. Tobacco Puffs

7. Rice Whiskies

6. Snotty Pebbles

5. Feeties

4. Lucky Worms

3. Prune Loops

2. Postal Toasties

AND THE NUMBER ONE PROPOSED AND REJECTED BREAKFAST CEREAL:

1. Router Bits

                                                                              ---- Ed Kaz