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  • SEEKING INVESTORS

    I have a great idea.


    Instead of noisily walking around with your phone and bumping into people, I propose the installation of something called a "booth."  One would enter this "booth" and--for a nominal fee--make a phone call in complete privacy.  

    These "phone booths" (Patent Pending) are also ideal for a drunken late night bathroom visit.

    Investors, please call me.


                                                                                 ---- Ed Kaz

  • BREAKING ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

    LAST COMEDIAN TO NOT HAVE A PODCAST NOW HAS ONE

    By Ed Kaz!
    Amalgamated Press

    MICHIGAN:  Greater Saginaw area comedian Skip Bunting, the last comedian without a podcast, now has one.

    A podcast is a recent Internet phenomenon where a comedian--unable to gain employment on radio, TV, or tractor pulls--sets up a microphone in his kitchen and speaks at length to other comedians who complain of their inability to gain employment on radio, TV, or tractor pulls.  Podcasts can reportedly amass upwards of eight to ten listeners (six of which told the comic on Facebook they'd listen but actually didn't).

    Bunting, a Tuesday regular at Mrs. Chow's Laugh Wok in nearby Owosso, expressed excitement over his new venture.  "I figure I have a computer and a kitchen," said the comic as he was attempting unclog his sink, "Now all I gotta do is borrow a microphone from Mrs. Chow and boom!  I'm a podcaster!

    For his debut podcast, Bunting plans to talk to his plumber about career opportunities outside of comedy.

                                                                   ----- Ed Kaz

  • BUSINESS NEWS: New Hasbro Product


    Hasbro, makers of Play Doh, is introducing Work Doh, a product designed to prepare children for adult life.

    "Each Work Doh project will be created under intense deadline pressure and the child will be responsible for his billable hours," remarked Hasbro's Chief Marketing Officer Ron T Bruscotti, "If the child has any problem with this he will be told to take it up with HR."   

    Work Doh follows the previous success of Hasbro's Mr. Potato Head for Figures and will be in stores this June.

                                                   ----------- Ed Kaz

  • New Hendrix album includes previously unreleased material...

    Today Experience Hendrix and Legacy releases a collection of previously unheard recordings from guitar legend Jimi Hendrix.

    "Admittedly, we're spreading it a bit thin at this point," reports a source, "but we feel it's important for fans to hear everything this man has done." 

    The new album includes Hendrix jiggling his car keys while his dog barks, as well as a three minute tape of the guitar legend ordering Chinese takeout.
     

                                                   ----------- Ed Kaz

  • TOP TEN ITEMS LEFT IN POPE BENEDICT'S DESK

    From the Home Office in Vatican City:
    TOP TEN ITEMS LEFT IN POPE BENEDICT'S DESK:
    10. Empty pint container of Ben & Jerry's Marshmary Magdalene.
    9.  Autographed photo of Mother Teresa.
    8. "Exorcism for Dummies."
    7. One red shoelace.
    6. Old Testament Cliff Notes.
    5. Pages torn from Al Jaffee's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Theological Questions."
    4. Unopened bottle of Grecian Formula.
    3. Post-it Note containing a few proposed "extra-credit" commandments.
    2. VHS of "Our Lady of Fatima vs Megalon."
    AND THE NUMBER ONE ITEM LEFT IN POPE BENEDICT'S DESK:
    1. The Holy Can Opener.
                                                                                     ----- Ed Kaz
     

  • BREAKING NEWS: Cupid Arrested

    AMALGAMATED PRESS:  Cupid has been arrested for having a blood chocolate count of 0.16 percent after his pink 1968 Dodge Dart was pulled over in a routine traffic check early this morning .   
    An unregistered crossbow was also recovered at the scene.  
    The cherubic love merchant's career has reportedly been in sharp decline in recent years; the result of the proliferation of Internet dating sites such as eHarmony and match.com.  
    In an interview last year Eros, the suspect's father, stated that Cupid had been suffering from depression and was taking legally-prescribed Godiva.
    More on this semisweet story as it develops.
                                                                          ------------- Ed Kaz

  • IHOP NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY TIPS:

    Remember: You can re-purpose your unfinished free pancakes. 

    A pot-holder, home plate for an impromptu baseball game, a jaunty pancake-colored beret, a chair or table leg evener-outer, a delightful solar system mobile, an emergency spare tire for your Vespa. 

    Warning: Never feed your unfinished free pancakes to pigeons or squirrels. They have been known to explode.




                                                                                    ---- Ed Kaz

  • BREAKING NEWS!

    LAST PERSON ON PLANET WITH CAPACITY TO BECOME OFFENDED BECOMES OFFENDED 
    By Ed Kaz 
    Amalgamated Press
    ARKANSAS (AP): Mary Lee Holmes, 47, of Grubbs reportedly became offended on New Year's Eve following the "improper antics of that Kathy Griffin woman with that nice pale man on the CNN." 
     
    The Arkansas woman becomes the last person on Planet Earth to be offended by something. "All my friends just shrugged," said the Walmart cashier of the nationally televised faux fellatio, "but I was deeply offended." 
     
    Ms. Griffin could not be reached for comment. "No need for her to comment," said a spokesperson for the red haired comedienne, "Her work is done here." The source went on to say Griffin was pinching his left buttock with a salad prong but no one seemed to notice or care.
                                                                                     ---- Ed Kaz
     

  • Rolling Stones Ticket Update!

    In response to complaints about prohibitive ticket prices ($98.50 to $753.50) for their upcoming shows in New Jersey, The Rolling Stones have decided to offer an À la Carte special: Three songs for $150. 


    Satisfaction, Bitch, Brown Sugar, swipe your credit card, leave.

                                                                                     ---- Ed Kaz


  • A Roundabout Conversation

    Who's the guitarist for Yes? 

    Howe.  

    I don't know how!  Who?  

    Howe!  

    How?  

    Yes.  

    I know the BAND name!  

    Howe's the guitarist! 

    How should I know how he is!  I don't even know WHO he is!  

    Howe!  

    Jesus H Christ!

    Oh! He's their roadie!
                                                                                     ---- Ed Kaz